The Wolves

 

I was discussing my fathers Alzheimer death with someone who was experiencing the same.  I said that knowing that there was Alzheimers in your genetics was like " knowing there are are wolves in the forest where you live."  They are there, they are killers, and they may or may not attack you.  It's not that I hate them, or they hate me: it's the impersonal nature of biology and life in general.  The wolves are there, whether or not you choose to acknowledge it.  One of them will get you eventually. 

I went in for my follow up EKG yesterday.  Again, anxious to the point of elevated blood pressure, but not too bad.  I was expecting/hoping that it would show nothing and I could get on with feeling normal again.  The whole reason for the first EKG turned out to be a toothache, so there was no reason to worry, right?  Let's just be done with this whole thing: confirm I am ok, and send me on my way.  Please?

No.

After discussing with the cardiologist all of the pertinent information (no symptoms, blood pressure is lowered, no events indicating an attack.)  He showed me the EKG.  Simple really: where this little line should lay flat, it actually dips down below the baseline of the graph.  What does it mean?  Can't say until we do more tests (stress test, ultrasound, nuclear imaging will be scheduled later).  The possibilities are:

a) Nothing wrong.  The EKG is not "way out of whack", so this might just be an electrical anomaly of my heart.

b) Minor blockage of an artery, causing an electrical anomaly.

c) Previous heart attack.

So I left their office with the same cloud over me that I went in with.  I feel fine.  I never had any events that stand out in my memory.  I feel fine on my bike or elliptical machine.  But there is no resolution for me yet.  I'm scaring myself in my quiet moments, and it's stressing me out.  "Is that a pain in my chest?  My arm?  Do I feel dizzy?  Am I going to die from this?  Soon?"  As much as logic says I am OK, there is no pain or symptoms, I may not be.  As much as Melissa and my friends say not to worry, how can I not?

I think I can hear him, out there.  Hidden in the trees.