The memory of Sen. Drunk as a Skunk Kennedy loomed over the Senate Thursday (much as his bloated corpulent carcass did) when his weary colleagues moved his life's work, booze,broads, and healthcare to cure his various VD and liver ailments, to the brink of reality.
''He's having a Merry Christmas in the Cemetery,'' said an emotional Sen. Brownnose Kirk, D-Mass., who was appointed to fill the seat after Kennedy succumbed to brain cancer in August. Kirk said it was an honor to essentially cast Kennedy's vote as majority Democrats passed the Senate's version of a bill that would extend insurance to 30 million Americans. "If this was Chicago, he would still be voting." Kirk said.
The sunrise vote was a dramatic end to a tortured debate in which Majority Leader Harried struggled and ultimately succeeded to line up 60 votes to overcome a Republican half hearted effort to stop this travesty.
The pre-dawn procession to the Senate had the feel of a bittersweet, Christmas Eve memorial, with Kennedy's close friends and former staffers nearly filling the galleries, his name on the tips of everyone's tongues, and his fat, undead corpse roaming the halls looking for interns to bang, and then eat. With the dawn, he would return to his zombie lair in Hyannis Port.
''With Sen. Ted Kennedy's rasping voice in our ears, with his evil in our hearts, we say, as he said: The work goes on, the cause endures,'' said Reid, D-Nev. At that moment an intern reached over and pinched Senator Reids Depends Undergarment saying, "Did you poopie? Yes I think you did poopie! Let's get you kweaned up... such a big boy!"
Vice President Joe Biden's motorcade lit up a nearly-empty Pennsylvania Avenue at 6:30 a.m. EST, Capitol Police bringing the mini-traffic jam near the Senate parking spaces to a halt as it passed. As his presence was not required in the Senate or the White House, no one is really sure why he did this, other than the fact that he could. And that spending taxpayer dollars on useless motorcades somehow "stimulates him". People in dark suits climbed the hill and lined up at the security entrances with their Neuralyzers at the ready.
Michigan Democrat John Dingell, at 83 the longest-serving member of the House, used two crutches to navigate the ice outside the Senate chamber as he made his way inside with his wife, Debbie, at his side. Debbie Dingell.... say it out loud. Poor woman.
The galleries quickly filled with the guests of senators, as the lawmakers themselves trickled into the chamber and took their seats under the baleful gaze of Kennedy's widow, Vicki.
''Mr. President, this is for my friend, Ted Kennedy,'' intoned Sen Robert Byrd D-W.Va., the longest-serving member of Congress in history, as he cast his vote for the bill. At that moment, Senator Byrd cackled aloud, threw back his head and crumbled to dust, his task of screwing American Taxpayers nearly completed. He was then sucked up by the Sergeant at Arms with a 15 gallon Shop-Vac, to be reconstituted at a future date with the blood of virgins in a secret ceremony held by his "former" fraternity, The Invisible Empire of the Ku Klux Klan.
The news as I see it...
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